we put the 'ho' in hotel

March 6, 2000

Spring Break 2000

In which Danny gets another mini-bio sex ed course, Fi looks for something to destroy, Lauren becomes a blond popsicle, and Meghan refuses to talk to a skeezy guy on the strip. Ok, so it was bit more than that...like the fuck ass toilet, the orgy, and of course...Hooters.

Part I
Never let us out together

It all began innocently enough, with a choice between the scenic route [read- 'Redneck Adventure'] and driving I-10 so Danny could exercise his speed demon genes. We took the scenic route with the reasoning that on the way back we could take I-10 because it would be quicker when we wanted to get home. Going this way we got to listen to Danny's choice of music, mainly Third Eye Blind and the Goo Goo Dolls. For some reason I find it highly amusing that he genuinely likes that type of music. The four of us kept ourselves in stitches over tons of nothing the entire time, I think that's the power of great friends manifesting itself. Meghan took us through Wewa [aka Wewahitchka] and showed us the house that her family built back in the 1870s. I was really impressed, familial history is very big with and me and to see something tangible of anyone's family history is very meaningful. Wewa was a very pretty place, what we saw anyway, with these two huge lakes named after members of Meghan's family. I'm marking it down as one of the few places in Florida that I really enjoy.

When we approached the Panama City area Lauren and I started calling out the names of the waffle/kettle/pancake houses we passed seemingly every mile along the way. I have come to believe that PC has the highest per capita [tourist or resident] ratio of these establishments in the world. It's all quite amusing. "Waffle House..." "Waffle Shack..." "Kettle Cabana..." "Krystal...does that count?" "Waffle House...again..."

Travelling the strip of PC led to some interesting happenings, the first notable one of this trip happened right next to our hotel:

Danny: Oooo, Hooters!
The Girls: No!
Danny whining: But they've got world class chicken wings
The Girls: And we're sure that's exactly why you want to go there.

It quickly became apparent when we checked into the hotel that we were becoming prisoners of the Totalitarian Days Inn, complete with branding by our little sparkly red wrist bands. Oh E! Fashion Emergency...

After we finally got in our room, damn magnetic locks, Meghan gave us the task of checking for previous damage to the room so we wouldn't loose our $200 deposit. Then, in a moment of authority defying snarkiness, Meghan hands me the monetary tally of items in the room and sends me off to find something to destroy. I was jumping up and down like a happy little pyromaniac. "Ooo! The door handle is only ten bucks! And the remote control is fifteen..." The scariest part was how much joy I got out of that little expedition.

Meanwhile in the lavatory...Danny was clogging the toilet, through no fault of his own mind you as we were heartily assured a few hours later. "The standard is three [spins of tp], six you get into trouble. I was well under six!" So there we are, toilet overflowing and I'm the only one with knowledge of how to turn off the water but I'm not strong enough to do it...so I give Danny directions. Meanwhile the lot of us are laughing hysterically from this totally whacked situation. We're here five minutes and already we've created the Fuck Ass Toilet. When Danny finally managed to get the water stopped and the situation under control he emerged from the bathroom like he had just killed a bison, "The shit is gone." Ha!
 

Part II
The Strip (minus Sean Patrick Flannery, d'oh!)

We next set off in search of Danny's [Merchant Marine] Academy buds who were staying in some condo complex down the strip from us. Later that night we found an alternate route there, bypassing this strip entirely, but at this time we still had to endure the idiots leaning out of minivan sliding doors. At least it made good fodder for snarky comments as we are wont to do. Like with any strip, you end up driving about 10 mph and enjoying the scenery, such as it is. But unfortunately, that also invites skeezy guys to look into your vehicle and hit on you as you sit in traffic. Ok, so that's the point of Spring Break but we girls had a problem with the skeezy guy factor....

Some random skeez says hi to Meghan, Meghan doesn't respond and Fi just looks at the guy like a pile of raw sewage as we continue on:

Danny: You could have just waved to him.
Meghan: No!
Danny: Why not?
Fiona: He's skeezy!
Meghan: Yeah!
Danny: So?
Meghan: Argh, skeezy guys don't get acknowledged, only decent non-skeezy ones.
Lauren & Fiona: Right.

Meanwhile Lauren is freezing to death in a tank top. Spring Break at PC in early March is highly funky in weather terms. It can be nice and mild, in the 70s or so, or it can be anything below that. I don't think the Northerner's mind so much considering they're coming from snow and ice, but for us Florida people it's a tad bit annoying. So here's Lauren freezing to death and I'm cracking wise about getting her one of those highly tacky Spring Break sweatshirts they they're selling at every Alvin's Island and Bob's Beach Shack. I think by the end of the night she was about to smack me. Oops.

I personally think that all fashion victims congregate at Panama City over Spring Break for some sort of convention. The girls with fake tan--and I understand that it's a bit hard to get any pre-Break sun but it still looks like ya slathered Orange Crush all over yourself--and the guys on various levels of idiocy riding little motor scooters trying to entice said Orange Girls to hop on their "dope ride". Hee! My personal favourites were the guys wearing sparkly fake Mardi Gras beads, and tons of them. I hate to say it but they looked "gay", and to make matters even worse, or for my purposes, more crack worthy, barely any girls were wearing them. Then came the pimped out cars, or as was seemingly in vogue, the minivan with side door open and two people hanging out. Our favourite car was tagged with "Dead Sexy" in adhesive letters on the windshield. Danny loved it simply because it gave him an excuse to launch into his Austin Powers impressions.

We finally met the Academy buds of Danny. Since I seem to like military people in general, and vice versa, I felt right at home. Especially since I was being paid particular attention to by one Jeff Peck...oooh, and I know Danny just hates it all. Anyway, I'm flirting with Peck and having a grand ol' time. The best part came when the rest of the people were running down their schedule for the rest of the night on what sounded like a pretty strict itinerary to a lay person like myself. "I think it's about time for nap time," said someone. "Nap time?" I asked Peck with eyebrows raised as high as they could go. Think--nap time on Spring Break...does this sound slightly funky to anyone else? Hell, nap time (esp. on Break) should be when you're too tired to stand up any more. Anyway, Peck takes this opportunity to ask me to tuck him in. I wanted to bust out laughing but I controlled myself, "Sorry, I'm not gonna tuck you in." "Aww, where's the love?" "The love ain't here baby...the love ain't here." So we talked for a bit more and then my crew got up to leave and Peck decides to snap his little rubber tubing bracelet at my person. I immediately pick it up and proceed to take aim at him, but I catch Lauren's eye and decide to lean over the couch and chuck it back at him instead, adding while I was at an enticing angle, "Now you really don't have any chance of getting tucked in." Then I flashed one of my patented 'you fucked yourself over this time,' smiles while I get a big, "Awww!" from Peck. Hee!

Danny's not a big fan of Peck's because Peck is an apparent asshole...no wonder I was drawn to him <snerk>, so Danny absolutely hated the fact that I chose this person to flirt with. My response was that I could pretty much tell that Peck was an ass, but that I like assholes and what did it matter anyway? I would never see this person again and wow! he actually seemed to perk up the instant he saw me. Now how many times to I get that from a guy? Lemme have a little fun.
 
 

Part III
Sex, Lies and Videotape...ok, so no video

Before seeing the Academy Dudes (and Dudette, Danielle rocks!) we drove up and down looking for the elusive Winn-Dixie that used to be right by Miracle Strip on Middle Beach Rd. We needed to stock up on our wine coolers of choice for the evening and maybe get some food as well. What transpired at Winn-Dixie was one of the funniest scenes I've ever witnessed. Danny, Lauren and Meghan running around this one display looking for the damn wine coolers while trying to avoid knocking over the rather skeezy local girls staking out the same turf and me just staying out in the clear laughing at Cosmo in the magazine rack. It would only be rivalled later that night as all four of us were at Publix where we had split up and were trying to track down a church key to open my six pack of Cider Jack.

We dropped off our alcohol at the room and called the main desk about our toilet.

Lauren: They put me on hold...Hello? Yes, our toilet is overflowing...Yes, right now. Thank you.
<hangs up>
Lauren: They asked me if it was overflowing right now.
Fiona: What, they think we can see into the future and happen to see our toilet overflowing?
Danny: <laughing and using that high pitched all-purpose girl voice> Hello? Yes, our toilet is overflowing.

Danny proceed to entertain us with that quote throughout the weekend. My personal favourite line, and I think the favourite of the others as well gets attributed to Meghan. On one of our seemingly endless trips down the strip we passed a group of typical Spring Break girls and Meghan lets out, "We put the 'ho' in hotel..." Oh. My. God. That's got to be one of the funniest lines I've ever heard from our group. Ever.

For dinner we searched back down Middle Beach Rd. for that Applebee's that Lauren and I swore we saw but instead ended up at Pizza Hut hearing stories of Danny's adventures on the Long Island Expressway and other NY roads we have no conception of. After a while his head became a mighty attractive target for my hand to smack.

We had returned to the hotel and Lauren and I were unloading the final batch of alcohol from the back of the Explorer when she suddenly started answering questions to some unseen inquirer. Confused as hell I whispered to her, "Who in hell are you talking to?" Then I turned around and saw that Lauren was getting a random pick up! Woohoo! When Danny came around the other side of the Explorer poor Michigan Dude's face fell, we already had a pimp! Danny and I sat there talking to him for a couple of minutes while I tried to nudge Lauren up to the room. I of course took the opportunity to make fun of the M. Dude without his knowing it due to his intoxication level. I really am a little evil wench.

We spent some time out on the balcony laughing at the guys a couple floors above us spilling something onto the patio below us and then having to clean it up under the supervision of the security guard <snicker>. People are so funny when they're totally sloshed. I hope I will never get to that point because I just know that there will be some incredibly perfect guy for me will be there to make fun of my goofy ass. While out on the balcony Danny once again brought up his penchant for an orgy. Every time he does this I have to laugh, simply because he wants it with us.  Personally, if I was even going to entertain the possibility of an orgy I wouldn't have it with anyone I've known for a extended period of time. I wouldn't want to have a thrown down rockin' good time and then have to look at those people the next day when we met up for coffee or something. Personal taste I guess.

But of course every time we get together lately the discussion turns to sex and tonight was no different. I tried to stay out of it as much as possible, except where I had to come in and interject myself as the default Dr. Ruth. I've realized also that there are major problems with our sex ed system. This is one way that Danny believed that an egg was the size of an M&M when Meghan told him that. "You lied to me! You lied to me for over a year!" All we could do was giggle insanely. Whoops.

Time for bed..."Ok, who wants to sleep with Danny?" I asked, fully expecting it to be me. As I said in reference to Tom at the Solstice Party, "It'll be alright as long as Sleeping Beauty doesn't try to spoon or nothin." Then Danny has to ask what I wear to bed, seeing as the two of us our on the same general level of horniness.

Fiona: Well, at home I sleep naked.
Danny: Naked? Completely naked?
Fiona: Yes, if I had meant some other kind of naked I would have said so.

I ended up sharing a bed with Lauren and packed up the rest of the wine coolers right by my side of the bed...totally unintentional of course. When I woke up at 6:30 the next morning all I could think was,

"Wake up at 6:30 and have a wine cooler without having to exert more energy than it takes to shut off the alarm! Convince, the wave of the future..."

You know, the common stereotype is that women spend inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom beautifying themselves. Ok, there are people like my sister that do but it's not only women. Case in point, one Daniel S. of Tallahassee and King's Point. Lauren and I got up early and got ourselves cleaned up and then sat outside to enjoy the morning and to watch some old man scavenging with a metal detector for the wonders that our fellow Spring Breakers had left in the sand the day before. Cheap skate. Meanwhile Danny and Meghan were allowed to perform their morning rituals...we when came back in we heard the water running for the shower and saw Meghan standing at the sink with a perturbed look on her face. "What is he doing in there? He has practically no hair and doesn't have to shave his legs...What's taking him so damn long?!" "Shit, he's probably inhaling the Pantene..." She also got him later when she sarcastically added to some comment of Danny's, "And I lay a M&M every month!" Ha!

We enjoyed a hearty meal at Waffle House, we couldn't resist, complete with free waffle. I was just happy that I finally got to view some very decent guys, one even enjoying a chocolate milk just like Lauren. We stopped by Peck and Company's place before heading out of town and hung out at the beach for a while. Meghan and I left after a bit and had our own little adventure that resulted in a lot of laughing and me getting a kick ass pair of Chinese platform sandals--two inches of height, instantly!

Ah, what a way to end a Spring Break. I enjoyed myself overall, seeing at how it's so damn easy to make fun of everyone. Maybe I'll go next year and stay an extra day or two to really get the feel of the place...and to see if I can find any cute guys to flirt with [beside Peck-sorry Danny!].
 

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