March 3, 2000castle anthrax
I've been all about melancholy and the infinite whackedness lately. Dealing with all this crap has had me vacillating between being gloriously happy, sobriety, and frustrated "give me my damn Save Ferris!" mode. It's been cheeky fun, I tell ya. Man, I just need to check myself into Castle Anthrax from Monty Python & Holy Grail, get myself a nice little beacon and set up shop.You know, I really do need Harry Potter's invisibility cloak, that way maybe the situation with Joe really would go away. And it's just not this situation either, it brings up all sorts of lovely things that I'd like not to deal with right now. "Why can't I believe that someone would actually be interested in me? Why do I always like the same type of guy?" That one's easy, look at the major male figures of my youth: Han Solo, Indiana Jones (still the ideal) and Face from The A-Team. And it also showcases my glaring shortcomings, that of having the basic experience level of a ten year old when it comes to this stuff ("if I just ignore it, it'll go away...") and that I'm so afraid of having a repeat of the Jon Fiasco that I've become effectively paralysed.
The situation with Scott is just as screwy. Whatever it was that was going on has cooled considerably; but what's cooled to is not at all unpleasant. It's more regular conversation with slight hintings and glances and I'm much happier with that. Basically the reason I'm operating so well with Scott is that it's my normal mode of dealing with any of my guy friends--that I might be attracted to anyway-- I'm going under the basic assumption that this thing with Scott isn't going to get anywhere. But I told mother that even if nothing did happen with him I would want to keep him around as a friend. Maybe that's the difference between Joe and Scott.
I find an instant connection with Scott that goes beyond simple physical attraction. I can sit down and talk with him and especially if there is no one else around, it's very natural and flowing, like we've known each other for years. It's like Danny and I, but on a semi sexual/romantic nature. On the other hand, with Joe it's always been on a forced level. Our visits mainly consist of me talking for a couple of minutes and him sitting there with a little smile on his face or looking completely bored off his ass. Maybe it's just me but I have this weird concept that two people need to interact to have a conversation, and conversely, any type of relationship.
So the new developments are as follows:
- Scott has passed the "bite me" test. Good boy. This is where, at some natural point in conversation, I tell him to "bite me". Scott passed with flying colours with a cute little biting response. Mind you this was all done while we were watching vids in class so it just adds to the silent seductiveness of it.
- Joe stopped by today, first time in a while. No matter what, he's a genuinely good guy. But as he was standing next to me and I inhaled the mix of cig smoke and musk and my libido started right up, I confirmed that all I would want from this person in any sort of intimate interpersonal nature would be a good shagging. Yeah, sounds nice and dandy to one (very head strong) part of myself but I know well enough that at this point that I need a little bit more than that. Oh well, I gave him my number (because I'm too stupid to call him) so we'll see how that goes. He wants to meet and talk this out and in my mind, that's a pretty mature approach so I figured to go with the better part of valor and give it a shot.
So once again we play our dangerous game. Oops, sorry, lapsed into Hunt for Red October there for a sec. Anyway, I'm playing the game on both sides now awaiting the outcomes as they may. Keep ya posted.
* The Jon Fiasco: Way back in ninth grade Jon had a bit of a crush on me. My response when I found out about it was to just ignore him since I didn't reciprocate his feelings. It eventually died and we went on with our brother-sister type relationship. So for four years we continued on like this, but according so some Jon never stopped being interested. Now our relationship has degraded to the point where he makes nasty comments about me never going out with him and I can't trust him worth a wit (esp. whatever he said concerning Erik's opinion of me). I unwittingly broke his heart over and over so now I'm carrying around all this useless guilt. Fuuun.
